Sunday, August 25, 2013

Getting Back Up

Tuesday September 9th

got the job!!!

It has been exhausting several months, begging borrowing getting back on my feet. Proving to my family that I can be trusted. 

I know they are still a bit skeptical, rehab was a nightmare, shit there were plenty of times I wanted to give up, how I could expect my family to believe in me when I could not believe in myself. 

So after several interviews and trying to convince total strangers I can be trusted I was finally hired by a solid firm.

Sure they pride themselves on giving people second chances, after all the chance I had in life I did not hold my breath for this one. 

It's funny several of the interviews I went on prior I had great feelings for, only to be disappointment after no return calls, but this one was tough, I thought for sure they would not get back to me, but they want me to start this coming Monday, as long as i pass their drug tests (for once in my adult life I am not concerned at all, i will be peeing in a cup with a grin).  

Wednesday September 10th

Had lunch with my father and sister this afternoon. My mom didn't show, I wasn't surprised. 

I scraped together what I can find so I can pay. I know I will be struggling even with a paycheck, but I wanted to show I can take care of myself.  

Anyway the lunch was to give them the news about the job, Lizzy was so happy for me. My little sister, she always saw the best in me, even when I thought I was lost, her sweet innocent face always looked up to me like I can do no wrong. 

She is still so young, but growing up so fast, being eleven years older i remember so clearly the day they brought her home, I was so excited to have a little sister. Seeing her respect for me in her eyes alone makes my decisions the past year and a half so so worth. Anything less from now on would kill. 

She will be seventeen in December. I am planning to live off of Rama noodles till then so she can have a sweet birthday, not enough will make up for the ones missed or the shit I put her through over the years. But it won't stop me from trying. 

And papa, seeing the pride in his eyes this afternoon nearly brought me to tears. No I'm not going to lie, I wept like a baby when he hugged me and gave me a kiss on each cheek.   

They held onto my every word, little Lizzy made me tell the story of the interview twice. 

We briefly talked about mama, pops tried to excuse her, I knew the truth, I understood. I will keep trying, one day I will go back home on my knees and beg for her forgiveness.   But I need to forgive myself first. 

After pop insisted on paying, he can be so stubborn sometimes, but in the end he saw in me that I needed to do this, a small token but letting me take the check was a very tiny thing but it meant respect. 

I returned to the halfway house with a skip in my step, i even were the shirt and tie i were to the interview (only ones I got). 

Thursday September 11th

So I had that dream again, THE dream. 

It's after 3AM, I don't know if I can't go back to sleep or just don't want to. So I am writing to distract myself from my nightmare. 

In a few short hours i have to stop by my new job to take the drug test. I don't want to show up sleepy, but I am afraid to drink coffee in the morning as to not skew the results or take sleep aide for the same reason. 

I am going to try my sleep again. 


So peed in a cup. Yeah not the best opener for my journal but I am happy that this is the first that i am worried that something I did a week, a few days, or even a night ago would haunt me. 

Still a bit tired, after i check in with my PO i think i am going to take a nap. Might as well take advantage of my free time I am planning to work a shitload of hours! 

After pissing in the cup I ran into ms moira, the lady who interviewed me, she seems a hell of a lot nicer now then during the interview, i basically volunteered myself on three different projects. I know I may have but off more than I can chew, but if i throw myself into it it's sink or swim, right?

I thought at first it was a small law firm, but the office i interviewed in was just an annexed office from a larger firm. My first job is to help catalogue and pack records to move to the larger building. 

Ms Moira is going to point me in the right direction to get my bachelors. Getting my associates was very difficult, I can use all the help I can get. 

I am looking forward to starting work on Monday, if it was not for my own lawyer doing pro bono work, working his ass off for me cause he saw my potential, i think this is what i want so I can give back. 

I guess i got a lot of people to thank and to apologize to. If it were not for that night though i don't think I would be here writing this.


Meeting with Burke, my PO, went okay as usual, through me off by a surprise drug test, so twice today I got to pee in cups. 

He barely gave me an 'uh huh' when i told him i got a job, without even making eye contact he pushed a form in front of me to fill out. 

You know I was piss at first but then I realized I have nothin to prove to him, fuck I ain't got nothin to prove to anyone but myself, so with pride i filled out his form giving the details of my new employment. I already disclosed to the firm my records, I'm gonna do this right, won't hide nothin won't lie about Shit so no shit will come back to bite me in the ass later. 

Afterwards I thought about officer Burke, he probably sees so many low lives pass through his office, most makin promises none succeeding, I thought I had it bad but this poor Schmuck had to witness the low point of humanity. 

Looks like those critical thinking and humanities classes paid off. Note to self, after my probation is over a year from now I will pay Burke a visit and show him at least one person can change. 

Friday September 12th

Fuck!!! Fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!

The firm called me this morning, they said they had a mix up with some paper work and the position was no longer available. 

Jesus, what is this worth it?  Why am i fucking trying? Why didn't you just kill me two years ago? 

I should have died, if this is my karma working against me because of all the shit did and what i did that night, i might as well be dead I might as well go to hell then live through this hell on earth. 

Fuck this shit, thought writing would help , thought by putting it on paper would...

just fuck

Saturday September 13th

I almost used today. 

I risked going down to the old neighborhood to score. I ignored the old haunts, the gangs, and that alley way. 

I had the rock in my hand, my last twenty was already exchanged hands and the rock was handed off to me by the currier.  

I started east to the only place I can take this hit unseen, an abandoned building that was marked 'condemned' years ago, now riddled with junkies so far gone that this was their only place of refuge to get high. 

I wanted to go there so I can get lost in the sea of faceless zombies and just melt away. Too cowardly to just straight up take my own life, but to end it in a blissful high. 

Unsurprisingly the building was still there, cops occasionally raid the place, most of the time the junkies get advance warning, but in the end the police leave them to their devices, as long as we are killing ourselves and not others (I guess)

The back entrance loose board access is still present, getting in was easy. 

I only had one thing on my mind was to shoot up and get lost in my own head. 

Without even realizing it I automatically made my way to the corner my old gang used to occupy. 

No old memories surfaced. 

A  bedroom in once was a two bedroom apartment, the other bedroom long ago got lost into the neighboring apartment with walls being torn away by time, neglect, and vandals. 

Immediately i noticed I was not alone, on the far corner was a dark shape lost in his or hers own wonderland.

I just made myself 'comfortable' in the opposite corner knowing my roommate was in no condition to mind. 

I slid my back down the wall and sat on the floor bringing my knees to my chest. Soon my eyes adjusted to the darkness as I unwrapped my prize. 

While opening the baggy, a loud snort caught my attention, I quickly looked toward the figure in the corner. From what I can make out he was facing me, his eye appeared to be open and staring at me or in my direction. 

He looked awfully familiar. 

Trying to ignore the man who had no care for me at all, I went back to the task at hand, but I could not shake the mystery of this stranger. 

Finally giving into my curiosity I leaned forward going to my hands and knees (still gripping the drugs in my right fist) I slowly crawled across the room so I can get a better look.  

My God!!!! It was Carlos, shit fucking Carlos!!!

He was in bad shape, real bad shape. 

Looking at my old friend immediately brought those suppressed memories of that fateful night to the surface. 

Me leaning over that poor girl, Carlos standing behind me, laughing, laughing at the disgusting thing I was about to do to that innocent angel. My god I am a monster!

I was monster. 

Remember looking over my shoulder after Carlos grew unusually silent, to see that dark figure in my peripheral, the one that haunts my nightmares till this day,  then flying through the air. 

I could have died that night, fuck I should have died. It would have been the least I deserved. 

Finally waking up on the roof of an apartment building ten blocks away. I would have past it off for a drug induced dream if it were not for that hand shaped bruise on my shoulder that took weeks to heal. 

Snapping out of my daydream, still on my hands and knees I lifted my right fist, forced it open and looked at the contents in disgust then chucked it against the wall. 

I don't remember making my way out of that building, nor the first few blocks, but i ran and ran and ran, i found myself in front of my childhood apartment, where my folks and little sister still resided. 

Without a second thought i made my way to the fourth floor and banged on the door.  My momma answered and when she saw me she opened her mouth to yell, but before she got a word out I dropped to my knees hugged her at the waist and wept.

I wept uncontrollably, soundlessly my mother pried my arms from her body enough to join me at kneeling level and held me tightly and began to weep herself, my face buried in her shoulder, my tears soaking her blouse as hers ran down my neck in a river.

When we finally broke free; it was then I noticed my papa and Lizzy had joined in.

It must have been some sight for the neighbors who peeked through their peepholes to see a family on their knees crying at the thresh-hold.

After dinner and hours of talking they let me stay on the couch this evening, I am very tired, it had been a long ass day, but I had to get this day on paper before a lot of it faded from memory.

Sunday September 14th

I dreamed again, of that night of that alley, but this time it was different.

This time at the end of the alley the girl was not there, at first it was empty.  It started the same way where I ran down the dark passage unable to control my actions, reliving the evil of that night, but this time when I made it to the dead end the girl was not there.

For the first time I was able to take control.  I quickly turned around, Carlos was not there, but the dark figure was.

At first I was scared but not for long.  Instead of grabbing me he just pointed to the end of the alley.  I turned around to look at what he was pointing at and saw a being of a pure light, then I woke.

I am not sure if that figure was an angel or not, but what I was sure of that was the last night I was going to have that nightmare.  I have not come close to forgiving myself yet, but I know I am on the correct path to learn how.

My family is getting up now, I agreed to go with them to church.


I forgot to turn the ringer off during mass, my phone chimed in the middle of sermon, my mother almost blew an aneurism.  Forgetting how to work the damn thing I plucked out the battery.

After service I quickly excused myself and checked my messages, only my PO and my resumes have my phone number.

The only message was from the firm! They quickly explained they called the wrong person on Friday!!! I was the reason the position was no longer available because it went to me, I was not supposed to get that call and they need me to report to the office at 6AM!!!!!

In the hall of the church once again I was on my knees (the third time this weekend) when my little sister found me, I was laughing hysterically, she thought I lost it.  After I told her about the call, she fell to the floor next to me and joined in on the laughter.

I got the job!!!

 ©2013 Kinse, My Sweet Hero

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